Couples relationships affects individuals and even the whole family. Our professional team provides information and practical tips on our services to prevent problems appearing among couples and enhance their relationships. When their relationships are on the rocks, we provide advice on solutions for their problems to ensure couples can learn and grow together.
Faced with such a huge family change, “child-centered” is the cornerstone. It is recommended that divorced couples cooperate in taking care of their children's needs in the best interest of the children, and use a "co-parenting" approach to care and educate their children, allowing them to receive care and attention and grow up healthily from parents even after their divorce.
Here are some experiences shared by divorced parents:
1. Learn to take care of yourself first
Every experience shapes who we are today, including traumas, which are an undeniable part of life. However, instinctively, people dislike these memories and consciously bury them deep in their subconscious. But when facing pressure, such as divorce or conflicts, our bodies may react involuntarily, and uncontrollable emotions and thoughts can stem from past traumatic experiences.
To break free from the bindings of past traumas and embrace a new life, it is necessary to slowly touch, perceive, warm, and comfort those wounds. With the strength derived from this care, one can truly experience self-love.
The Jockey Club “Let Go and Let's Go” Support Project for Divorce and Blended Families aims to provide a series of therapeutic support service and assists families in dealing with their emotions and hurt derived from critical family transitions and adverse life experiences, allowing them to gradually emerge from the shadows and welcome brighter days. The project also helps members of remarried/blended families develop intimacy, mutual trust, and support.
2. Avoid conflicts in front of children.
For children, parents are their learning and role models. When parents argue in front of children, it can make them anxious and even cause them to feel afraid, lacking in confidence, and find it difficult to fit in with groups, eventually leading to anxiety and aggressive behavior towards peers.
If it becomes unavoidable or if you accidentally engage in an argument in front of your child, it is recommended that you separate yourself from the situation and settle your emotions. For example, leave the scene or pause the conversation to give yourself space to calm down.
Our Family Resource Centre offers a dedicated program called "Parade of Lights – ‘Child-focused’ Intervention Programme for Children Facing Parental Conflicts/Separation or Divorce." This program provides divorced coaching and assistance to children affected by parental conflicts or divorce, helping them navigate the family transition more smoothly.
If both parents are willing and the child is able to comprehend, you can briefly explain the reason for your argument. However, your decision should depend on complexity of the situation.
Finally, apologise to the children and comfort them, such as saying "I'm sorry that Mom or Dad spoke too loudly and scared you. Let's go for a walk and get some fresh air," to prevent leaving any psychological scars or trauma in the children’s heart.
3. Learn to let go of hatred and anger
Even if the relationship between you and your spouse is not good, try to maintain a positive and proactive attitude and do not let negative emotions affect your children. If both parties are not obviously quarreling but are in a "cold war", creating a distant, rigid, and uncommunicative atmosphere, it will also make it difficult for children to learn to interact and communicate with the others with their emotions.
In addition, remind yourself to focus on the children's perspective and well-being. For example, tell the children "we will always be your parent, and our love for you will never change."
4. Establish a communication pattern with your partner
To establish a new communication pattern that allows both parties to easily reach consensus on matters concerning the child, it is important to focus on your own actions and respect each other's opinions, even if the other party may not immediately change. Try to communicate with them, temporarily setting aside the notions of right and wrong or winning and losing. Keeping the child's well-being and best interests as the guiding principle is the most precious gift you can give them.
The Hong Kong Family Welfare Society Parent-child Connect Specialised Co-parenting Support Centre offers a range of co-parenting services to help parents reduce conflicts and establish effective communication patterns. These services aim to create an environment where children can stay away from conflicts and continue to experience the love and care of both parents.
Although some things are beyond our control and may not always meet our expectations, such as our partner’s attitude and behaviors, and other external factors, leading to feelings of unfairness and resentment. However, when looking at our beloved children and recalling our aspirations for their healthy growth, would you be willing to try practicing “co-parenting”? It is an undeniable fact that parents’ divorce would impact children’s growth. However, how to minimise the harm of your divorce to children depends on the attitudes and preferences of both parents.
It may be difficult for you and your partner to repair your relationship, but when facing their children, you should try your best not to burden them and not to extend the pain to the next generation.
Source: Ms. Mindy Li, Social Worker, Hong Kong Family Welfare Society
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