Divorce decision-making
How to help children adjust to their parents' divorce?
1. Helping children to understand the reality of their parents’ divorce
Younger children may not fully understand what divorce means. They may sometimes deny the reality, fantasizing about their parents reuniting or even giving up on the possibility of their parents reconciling. At this time, talking to your children about the reasons for divorce, such as extramarital affairs, debts, sexual inconsistency, etc., can be far more confusing and hurtful to them than helpful. Commenting on the other person's mistakes in front of the child will also form a psychological burden on the child. Parents should explain divorce to their children in age-appropriate terms, and directly stating that the parents are separating because they are unhappy living with each other. Children need emotional support from their parents and should be encouraged to express their doubts and feelings about family changes. Most children can come to terms with this reality within a year after their parents' divorce.
2. Informing children of parents’ plans
When children learn that their parents will no longer live together, they may fear losing the love and care of one parent and the familiar family structure and daily routines. Therefore, parents should clearly, simply, and directly inform children about the future arrangements in their lives, such as living arrangements, caregiving, visitation schedules, schooling, etc., reassuring children that they will not be abandoned and that their parents still love them.
3. Encouraging children to keep in touch with the non-resident parent
Both parents should maintain close contact with their children and encourage them to maintain a good relationship with the other parent. Parents should also respect each other and avoid arguing in front of their children, allowing them to love and respect both mom and dad simultaneously.
4. Facilitating opportunities for children to talk with parents
When children understand their future plans, they should be given the opportunity to have a dialogue with their parents. Parents need to listen to their children's voices, understand their feelings, and affirm their parents' love for them.
5. Addressing children’s feelings of anger and self-blame
Children may find it difficult to understand why their parents are divorcing. They may not want to blame either parent or may even believe they are to blame for their parents' divorce. Parents must help children understand that this is a decision made by adults and is irreversible. A peaceful separation between parents can help children reduce feelings of anger and self-blame, enabling them to accept and forgive both their parents and themselves, and making them feel empowered in life.
6. Avoiding involving children in parental conflicts
Asking children to choose sides, to relay messages between parents, or to spy on the other parent can increase children's anxiety and stress, greatly affecting their emotions, learning, social interactions, and overall adaptation to life and the future. Parents should communicate directly regarding parenting matters, avoiding involving third parties, and especially should not use children as "messengers" to relay messages to the other parent.
Parents should establish effective communication patterns and control their emotions and choice of words, treating each other with courtesy and mutual respect. While parents may not necessarily become friends after divorce, they will always be the parents of their children. If both parties can cooperate in raising their children and rebuild a cooperative "partnership," it will undoubtedly be of great help to the children.
7. Maintaining children’s current living conditions as much as possible
Parents should allow children to continue attending their current school and try to maintain their existing social networks, caregivers, living environment, daily routines, etc. If changes are inevitable, parents should explain the changes and arrangements to their children in advance, allowing them sufficient time to adapt and transition.
To learn more about the legal responsibilities, rights, and resources related to divorce, please click to download the "Booklet on Divorce & Maintenance" at http://mediationcentrehk.org/l/maintenance-booklet-en
Source: Mediation Centre
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